02 May Another bathroom controversy

With all of the recent talk about bathroom policies and laws, I think the time is ripe for discussing another bathroom issue.  

I have a 13 year old son with Down syndrome.  He is obviously far too old to enter the ladies restrooms with me, which means that when we are out without his father, he uses the men’s room unsupervised.  I would guess I’m not the only mom who paces outside the men’s restroom while her son is inside closely watching the men who enter and leave.  But with Alex the stakes are higher.  

You see I never know if Alex will choose to use the urinal someone is already using and strike up a conversation with him, or if he will pull his pants all the way down while standing at a urinal in full view of everyone there. I can remind him, but I never know whether or not he will heed my reminders because he simply doesn’t have any notion that people might be taken aback by these things, let alone find them offensive or even be angered by them.

Let’s face it, men are the most common predators, and children with cognitive impairments are statistically more likely to be sexually assaulted than their typical functioning peers.  Yet when I bring this up in the ongoing conversation about bathroom fears originating with transgender bathroom policies  (and for the record I have no qualms about transgender people using the restroom they’re most comfortable in), nobody even acknowledges that there are millions of families with the same fears about sending their cognitive impaired children into public restrooms.  

My other child with Down syndrome brings up another concern. He is 10 and has medical issues which impact his bowel and bladder function.  This means that he is not independent in his bathroom use, and for the forseeable future will need to enter public ladies restrooms with me to meet his physical needs.  This quite obviously opens up a whole other set of issues, and the older and bigger he gets the more taboo it will become.

Speaking for many families affected by disabilities, whether physical or cognitive, I want to take advantage of the current bathroom controversy to advocate for unisex or family restrooms in public.  This is a clear answer to concerns which affect many families every day. Our family members deserve the safety and dignity which can only be provided with this solution.   

Althea Mshar is  a woman, a gardener, a wife, an advocate, a mother, and a runner. She is currently writing a book to be titled, “Hope Deferred”, about the heart sickness of parenting a child with complex medical needs, and the tree of life that inexplicably sprouts from the ashes of our hope. She has 3 kids at home, plus an adult child who has moved out and away. She’s happily married, and is always thinking.