04 May Living with undeserved guilt and shame: Life as an ACOA

Written by: Jessica Smith

I do not feel like an average 25-year old woman.

I may sound average since I’m a graduate student pursuing a Master of Social Work at Western Michigan University; I’m working a full time job as a reporter for a small-town newspaper, but will soon begin working part-time since I was offered a job that is more line with my desired career in social work. Therefore, I will be working two part-time jobs while trying to finish my degree, pay rent, bills and keep up with the fast pace of life in this day and age while trying to find time to sleep, eat, and enjoy life. I have a cat, I live with my boyfriend and I enjoy reading, binge watching Netflix and hanging out with friends. I’d say that sounds average.

Except, I feel anything but average. I feel like the opposite of average. In fact, I feel like an outsider, a loner, and an outlier. I have an explanation as to why I feel this way and have felt this way since I was a little girl.

I have an answer as to why I feel this way: I am the adult child of an alcoholic. (ACOA)

Adult children of alcoholics view the world differently. We isolate easily, we are chronic people pleasers, we often play the victim card, we have low self-esteem, we’re either over responsible or under responsible, we don’t feel like we fit in with our peers, we are codependent and we struggle to form and maintain friendships and relationships. We fear abandonment, rejection, criticism and anger. These are just some of the characteristics of an ACOA. I reluctantly admit that I have and have had all of these characteristics.

I never understood why I felt so “different” growing up. Now I do after becoming educated on how ACOAs think, act, and behave. Both of my parents struggled with substance abuse. My mom is a recovering alcoholic and my dad was a drug addict/alcoholic. Sadly, he committed suicide in June 2009. Thankfully my mom is in recovery although she has struggled. Addiction and alcoholism are ruthless, selfish and complex diseases. Our parents were separated after a toxic and unstable relationship that lasted for more than 20 years. Our father was addicted, homeless and ill. Our mother’s condition was deteriorating. Everything was deteriorating. I was a 17-year old girl with a 10-year old brother and a 4-year old brother. Life was so chaotic and unstable that I went to live with an aunt and uncle in Texas prior to moving back to Michigan. Before I moved to Texas, I failed my sophomore year of high school because I was chronically absent. I was ashamed of my life and myself. I’ve suffered from major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder since I was 13. I developed both as mental illness runs in my family and my toxic environment just added fuel to the growing fire.

My parents’ struggles with substance abuse became so severe to the point where Child Protective Services removed my younger brothers and I from our mother’s care in early 2008. We were placed with a family who lived nearby in a tiny town in Northwest Michigan who became aware of the situation since my oldest younger brother was friends with their son at school. I lived with that family for about three years. They supported me through my final years of high school and helped me make it through some of the toughest moments of my life. They supported me when I started college in 2009 and graduated in 2014. My mom and dad’s parental rights were terminated when I was 18. That family adopted my brothers in late 2009.

I’ve had some heavy ups and downs during my childhood, adolescence and young adult life. I am not as close to my younger brothers as I’d like to be because different families raised us and complicated family dynamics that often exist with ACOAs. I would be lying if I didn’t admit my heart breaks for my broken family.

Even though I feel “different” as an ACOA, I am working on healing and growing as an individual every day. I am in therapy and I am now making an effort to attend Al-Anon meetings again to surround myself with people who understand my complicated, sometimes dark emotions, feelings and thoughts. It takes a lot of time, work, energy and most of all: patience. I am learning to be patient with myself and live life one day at a time.

To learn more about the characteristics of ACOAs and support groups in your area, visit www.adultchildren.org. I used to always feel like I was alone, but now I know I am not. If you are an ACOA and reading this, remember you are not alone. It’s OK to seek help and you deserve to heal.

Bio: Jessica Smith lives in Kalamazoo with her boyfriend and cat. She is pursuing a Master of Social Work at Western Michigan University and currently works as a staff writer for the Three Rivers Commercial-News and an office manager for the Children’s Trauma Assessment Group. She has a Bachelor of Social Work and Bachelor of Science in Technical and Professional Communication from Ferris State University.